PROFESSOR BLACK PART THREE
by Annabel de Lioncourt
Summary: The much demanded third installment of the Professor Black series. Insanity, mayhem, giant slimey fish, destroyed classrooms and drawer of voodoo dolls that all look mysteriously like the Slytherin head of house.


Professor Black Part Three: The Kraken

Sirius Black's class was well used to his…unconventional manner…but no one was exactly sure what was going on when he came out of the office with a long coat on instead of wizarding robes, a scarf wrapped around his head and a sword hanging from an oversized belt that went across his chest, a tri-corn hat in his hand and brown leather boots instead of his black motorcycle ones that the class has been used to.

"I think," harry said in a quiet voice to his friend Ron. "He's finally lost it"

"I told you before: he's mentally unstable" Hermione muttered as she sorted through notes she had taken in the library the night before.

"So are you." Ron retorted; Sirius was putting the tri-corn on his head, they noted that he had several heavy gold rings on his hand, matching a skull medallion on his neck; he waved his wand and a long ostrich feather flourish appeared on it.

"I'm not even going to comment on that Ronald."

"Class, any idea what that is?" Sirius pointed to Lupin's grindylow tank. Hermione's hand shot up and he rolled his eyes. "Does anyone_ else_ know what this is?

"Erm…it's a grindylow?" tried Lavender Brown.

"No. it's a Kraken." There were a few gasps before Hermione jumped up.

"They can't be kept with grindylows!"

"Why not? It's just a baby kraken." A few bubbles came out of the water and a mutilated dead grindylow floated to the top of the tank. When Lupin came back the next week, he'd kill him. "Oops…" he said with a grimace at the teeth marks on the corpse, then he addressed the class "Next person who gets a detention from me is spends their time fishing a new grindylow out of the Black Lake for Lupin." Draco looked over at Harry, with a bemused expression that showed he was picturing him being held up by the mer-people again…_or worse moaning myrtle…._

"Now I will demonstrate with this voodoo—er _model_ what happens to muggle and wizarding vessels alike when they go across kraken territory." He had a small black haired voodoo doll in a tiny wooden boat and he dropped it in the kraken tank. The back rows of students stood to get a better view, Crabbe and Goyle were whispering something to Malfoy before he said something.

"Is that supposed to look like my head of house?" There were a few snickers from the Gryffindors and a couple of Slytherins laughed as Sirius looked at the doll then back to the class.

"No, it's not." Sirius thought it sounded like a poor lie even for him. A whole drawer in his desk (that the teacher that was currently on vacation had had filled with sappy letters to, and from, a certain auror that he was currently on honeymoon with) was filled with various sized voodoo dolls all with the same appearance. "What do you know, they all look alike." They did, with the exception that they were all ripped, torn, mutilated or missing different parts. One had a miniature deer, dog and wolf attacking it.

"Alright , class, now watch this." nothing happened save for a few more bubbles rising to the surface of the tank.

"Er…sir, nothing's happening." Neville…poor Neville, though he had improved to a fantastic point in Herbology and in Charms, he still needed an insane amount of help in D. A. D. A. and in Potions.

"I know bloody well what's going on!" Sirius tapped on the side of the tank hard until the water began to splash out of the tank. A small set of tentacles rose to the surface, dragging the doll and the boat under.

By this time most of the class had come towards the front to get a better view but the water was so dark that it was almost impossible to see. After a moment, an empty boat rose to the surface.

"And that class is what would happen if your boat if you crossed the territory of a kraken—be you wizard or muggle." Hermione and Lavender coughed. "Or witch." Sirius added. An evil grin spread over Harry's face as he thought of a way to annoy his godfather.

"What about mer-people?"

"Excuse me?" he answered caught off guard.

"You heard me. What would happen to green tailed mermaids if they crossed the way of a kraken?" _he knows!_ Sirius thought.

"Myth states that they have the control of all the beasts of the sea, yet it isn't known. No one has really gone up to a mermaid and asked." Harry's hand went up again. "Anyone have a question that has to do about this lesson? And _not _about mermaids."

"_Professor_ Black, what do you have against our head of house?" Malfoy asked.

"He's a greasy, slimy, sniveling idiot. Any other questions?" Malfoy looked dumbfounded but Ron and Neville were in hysterics. Hermione had a small smile playing at the corner of her mouth.

"yeah, will there be pumpkin juice tonight at dinner." Sean asked. Sirius hit himself in the forehead.

"what year are you in?"

"My sixth." He said with pride. _No wonder _Sirius thought to himself _he's not in Ravenclaw._

"And has there been _one_ night here when they _didn't_ have pumpkin juice at dinner?"

"No."

"THEY WHY IN THE NAME OF _**ZEUS'S TOGA**_ WOULD THEY NOT HAVE IT TONIGHT?"

"I just wondered!"

"Class dismissed, go to dinner and get your stupid juice." He held harry back though.

"Do they really think my class is boring?"

'Nah, that's just about as excited as we all get anymore in any class. You should see us in history of magic, even more dead than we are in here."

"That's bad… So I'm the favorite teacher you guys have ever had?" he asked pretending not to care. Harry had to think for a second. They all loved Hagrid, but his was a dangerous class; Dumbledore didn't teach, and Lupin was currently a teacher, and Tonks didn't have the intro to auror training class until later in the year so by default.

"Most of us think you're the best." But he was wary of fluffing his godfather's ego too much and added, "Hermione hates you though."

"Tell your girlfriend the feeling is mutual. But I _do_ like her cat." Then in a slightly higher voice he added "I like cats." Harry gave him an 'are you okay?' look "Don't tell anyone I just said that."

"Not a word. I'm going to get some juice."

"What is with this JUICE?" harry, already half way out the door shrugged as Sirius plopped down in his desk chair watching the kraken tank froth and foam as the baby kraken destroyed it's new toy. Moments after the foaming stopped, a tall eerie man dressed like Dracula with his long cloak entered the room with a small cauldron.

"Lupin's potion. He'll be back end of the week."

"Yeah."

"What is with the…." He looked over Sirius's sword, hat, belt and the brown boots that were now propped up on his desk. "Never mind." Snape decided that he _really _didn't want to know.

"Sooo…." Sirius said awkwardly, toying with his wand nonchalantly, hoping to look non threatening but still having it in reach in case the other one started something.

"I'm their favorite. Except that little blonde pet of yours."

"Malfoy's son is indeed a first class twit." Sirius was shocked to hear the head of house say that about his own student. Snape started to absent mindedly twirl the water in the tank he was leaning against with the tip of his finger. Sirius was about to say something but in the time it took him to decide whether or not to save his enemy's hand, the kraken decided for him.

"AACKKK! What the h*** is that" he pulled his hand from the tank, baby kraken still holding on and it wouldn't let go no matter how hard he tried to shake it off. Sirius decided that he'd rather not be responsible for the death of two magical creatures and the loss of Snape's hand so he attempted to shrink it.

But Sirius was never good at Charms.

The kraken was soon taking up most of the room

"Snivellous now would be a great time to use one of those Shrinkey Dink potions you've got!"

"I don't carry them around with me!" the two men looked up at the eight foot high body of the baby kraken.

"Dumbledore's gonna kill me."

"Would you mind if I watched?"

"Would you mind if I told you to die?"

"You—" Snape called him a dirty word

"Takes one to know one!"

"Imbecile!"

"Jerk!"

"Mutt!"

"Overgrown bat!"

"Fish lover!"

At that remark, Sirius took out the heavy artillery and said with a soft voice:"Lily lover" Sirius dodged Snape's hex, which hit the kraken. It swung a tentacle as Sirius back away, but it knocked the other professor to the ground, coating him in kraken slime. Sirius was laughing so hard he fell over when someone came to the door.

"_What happened to my class room?" _ Lupin asked in horror. All the desks and student chairs were crushed under the monster, and the dragon skeleton on the ceiling was dangerously close to falling down.

"Snivellous did it!"

"I did n—" he was cut off as he tried to get up but tripped on the kraken slime. It laughed spraying him and Sirius with mucus.

"Ew." Lupin remarked, waving his wand at the giant sea monster until it could fit in the tank again. He put it back hesitantly, not wanting to hurt Fishsticks (in Moony's defense, the first years named his grindylow, not him) but figured that the kraken had already killed it.

"You're back early…"

"I'm not taking back classes until Monday, but I was supposed to be here tonight—and what _possibly_ possessed you to give a lesson on sea monsters?"

"Remember the muggle film that Harry got for Fred and George last Christmas? And I had Tonks go and get me the rest? And we made you watch them with us?"

"Don't remind me." _nine bloody hours of those things…._ He didn't like them much. Mostly though because his girlfriend gushed over the men in it; but he just said it was because of their lack of 'historical accuracy'

"Well they had one of these and—"

"I get it. Have you completely scarred my students for life or is the damage reversible?" Sirius thought for a moment. The damage on the potions class room: reversible, damage to this room: reversible, to the students: reversible, damage to Snape's skull:….weeeellllllllll… Madame Pomfrey could fix him. Hopefully.

"The kids actually said I was better than you. More or less…" Sirius said with a conversational tone, as if the class room was not coated in slime and kraken mucus and Snape was not half unconscious.

"Forget it. I didn't see anything and I expect you to find me a new grindylow for my third years' class." Sirius opened his mouth to say something but Lupin spoke before he could say anything "And that does NOT mean transfiguring Severus into one and/or holding him underwater until he drowns…" Sirius looked visibly crest fallen.

"You're no fun anymore…"

"I'm thirsty I'm going to go down to the great hall and get some pumpkin juice." Sirius groaned _what is with the blood juice!_

By the time Sirius had fixed the classroom and Snape had come back around it was already half way through dinner and when they walked in the great hall there was a long silence as they stalked back to their seats, everyone staring at the green slime they were coated with. Lupin who was already seated pretended not to notice them.

"I'd kill you if the ministry still had a bounty on your worthless neck you know that right?" Snape said with Sirius tripped him as he stalked to his chair

"I'm terrified." Sirius added 'accidently' knocking over his wine glass as he reached for a pitcher of pumpkin juice. Minerva watched them carry on like children _with the other one here now too…let's hope he does better at restraining him than he did when they were students…who am I kidding things are only going to get worse._ She looked over the staff table with the short and eccentric Flitwick, the monster crazed and nine foot tall Hagrid, Trelawney and her insect-eye glasses peering warily into her tea leaves, Firenze eating raw vegetables and fresh cut tall grass as he stood at the end of the table talking to Sprout who was still covered in some sort of purple flower pollen, Sinistra who had the solar system embroidered on her robes, Vector who was _playing_ with an abacus, Snape who looked like a murderous vampire, Sirius who had been an accused murderer this time last year and broke the record for detentions, and Lupin who though looked at first glance the most sane but a werewolf who was just as mischievous as his friend. _How and when did I become the only normal, responsible and _sane _adult in this castle?_

"Any time," McGonagall said "one of you wants to quit here, please, don't be afraid to say it." Dumbledore laughed

"Come on Minerva, the Weasley twins graduate this year, we'll need something for entertainment." Snape didn't comment, but Sirius smiled

"See Minerva," she scowled at being address with her first name by one of her old students "Listen to Albus, he's got more sense than anyone else." Then to the headmaster "Right, Sir?"

"Tweak." Dumbledore said with a wide smile.

"I'll take that as a yes." Sirius replied with a smug grin even though he was concerned for the headmaster's sanity. McGonagall put her head down on the table, and from the student tables it was hard to tell if she was angry or laughing.

**A/N: I do not own pirates of the Caribbean or harry potter as much as I'd like to. Sorry the end focused more on Minerva than Sirius and Snape but I thought that seeing her views on the teachers would be entertaining. There are still at least two more of these to come, and thank you to everyone who reviewed or read these**

**Love, iheartmoony7**


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